Last year I wrote this short post about the different roles of mothers and fathers, commenting how stepmothers often seem to play the father role.
My suspicions were reinforced in marriage counseling class today. The topic was gender differences in parenting, and my professor reinforced all the ways that (typical) fathers differ from (typical) mothers. How many of these do you stepmoms recognize in your own stepparenting?
Fathers often…
- teach children about how to strive for independence and function well in the outside world
- enforce (or, in our case, want to enforce) rules and discipline
- tend to be stricter
- play with children more than nurture them
- have an easier time connecting with the kids while doing an activity together
I’ll raise my hand here—guilty as charged. (Except for playing, at which I am not the greatest.) The good news is, both kinds of parenting are needed, and whether this stuff comes from mom, dad, stepmom or grandpa, it’s all good.
What I find fascinating is how often in stepfamilies, the biological father ends up playing the more lenient, nurturing “mother” role, while the stepmother becomes the “father.” (My professor says, by the way, that this is an astute observation. Go me.) But what I didn’t tell him was how unsatisfied I am to be a woman and play the father in my family. Though it might feel right for many, I’m not one of them. There’s an emptiness there that fostering independence in my stepdaughter just can’t fill.
I’m also very curious to know how women who start out as stepmoms, and play the father role, change when they have biological children. Do they revert to full-on mom-style parenting? Do they remain, essentially, fathers? Or do they blend the two styles? If I had to hazard a guess, I’d wager that the latter option is probably the most common. I know if I had my own child, I’d do far more nurturing than I do as a stepmother. But I also believe very strongly in independence and boundaries, and can’t imagine letting that go. Anyone who’s been there, I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Dear Stepsleuth,
I am a childless-by-choice stepmom of a 15 year old SD (who lives with us half-time) and a 20 year old SS (who does not). I am, by nature, a highly independent person and I have always worked to instill self-sufficiency in young people with whom I interract: my much younger half-siblings and step-cousins, graduate students whom I teach, younger colleagues. I am the same with my stepkids. I think it is critical that you know how to think critically and independently and take care of yourself before you leave the nest, and my husband and I spend a lot of energy creating opportunities for the kids to learn by example and experience — everything from making a decision about what to do this weeekend or how to resolve an issue with a friend or teacher to basic cooking and housekeeping to navigating public transportation in a new city.
I think the twist here is my husband. He is a highly compassionate, nurturing person and parent. Both kids come to him for that, but they also have learned to come to both of us for practical life skills, too. We are happy with his arrangement because in their other house, they are infantalized and given no opportunity to learn or make mistakes. I believe their mom still uses babytalk with my SD (15), and I have seen no indication that she is helping either one become self-sufficient.
Their mom just announced she is getting married next year to a well-educated man whose two sons are in very good colleges and seem to be very independent (summer jobs, travel abroad etc). I am hoping he will nix the babying in the other house.
Don’t know if our situation is typical. I assume it is not.
Hi, I’m a stepmum to our 11yr old son and mum to our 2yr old son and 6mth old daughter. I agree completely with your experience of playing the father role to my stepson except for the ‘playing’ part. I don’t think any female can ever be better at playing than a man, afterall if my man is anything to go by, he is just a particularly tall 2yr old. I think your suggestion of blending the roles with biological children is true in my experience however I’m not sure if it will hold true as our bio children get older. One observation I find interesting is that my Hubby is ok to let our 2yr old cry himself to sleep if he is upset at bedtime yet will spend hrs attempting to sooth our teary 11yr old off to sleep.
Thanks for sharing this, Sonya! I didn’t get a chance to come back and address this since I have had a bio-child, but I’m behaving much as you described that you are.
Veerrrrry interesting about your husband’s willingness to soothe an 11-year-old. It seems to be such a common phenomenon. I just don’t get it.